... to the east side. actually it's the north side, just one mile north of where i am now. it's not a dee-luxe apartment in the sky, but it's a cute studio near briar street theatre, home of the blue man group. the place is small, but i don't need a lot of space, mainly because i'm not home as often as the average fella. and it has a dishwasher, and it's very close to the bus stop and only two blocks from the train. hello, what more does a traveling stewartress need? it's about three weeks till the big move. luckily i don't own too much (sold it before moving here three years ago), so it shouldn't be too painful, relatively speaking. moving is always a pain, but this shouldn't be too rough. so, that's where my life stands.

i don't have much more to report. i'm looking forward to this week, simply because it's going to hit 50 degrees by mid-week! that's almost like a hug from jesus! i know i'm not alone when i say that i am OVER this winter! yes, chicago winters suck, but this one has been brutal, especially for a southern belle. ok, pointless typing is done for today. knowing how rarely i blog, my next posting will probably be after i move. wish me luck.

1. please explain this to me: ridership (i love that word) on chicago's public transit system was UP last year, yet they had all of those financial issues that nearly halted some of the service and eliminated some jobs. so, the state government finally found some money to give them. ok, good. so, more riders mean more money from fares ... plus the cta gets more money from the state. ok, good. now that the cta's dick is being sucked, why don't they return the favor by providing riders (like me) with punctual service? why do i wait for a northbound bus for 30 minutes, while 3-5 southbound buses pass? this is a regular occurrence! do these s.b. buses fall into a great abyss at 79th street? does oprah eat them?! seriously! and then, when a n.b. bus finally arrives, another one is right behind it ... literally, bumper to bumper. oh wait, ANOTHER n.b. is behind the second one! what's this? ANOTHER one?! on several occasions, i've seen this happen. i can understand the occasional "bunching" of two of the same bus. but not three ... and never, EVER four! and that's just buses. let's discuss the trains. the timetables for the trains are just vague guidelines. when you rely on the train at butt-crack a.m. to get to the airport for those early flights, you would really like for them to be within two minutes of the posted time ... or am i asking too much? there shouldn't be any "traffic jam" issues at 4 a.m. sorry, just had to vent.

2. they happen in threes: brad renfro, heath ledger ... who's next? truly sad.

3. my heart still sinks when i see drew carey single-handedly destroying in a few months what bob barker spent 30-odd years creating!

4. i'm cold. the third week of january is the coldest week of the year in chicago historically, and it's to be expected. but it doesn't mean that i like it! :-)

5. i love seeing boys in skinny jeans. i really do!

6. if hillary and barack don't stop sniping like a couple of summer-camp rejects, i swear i'll root for john edwards. don't make me do it! of course, all three of them suck about as much as the repubs to, so i don't know what to do.

7. finally, i'm once again saying to give "the big bang theory" a chance. it really is a funny show. two roommates, each with a masters/doctorate in physics and nerd-ology, are just big ol' geeks. one is from "roseanne" (darlene's husband), and the other is basically a younger niles crane from "frasier." his delivery of lines makes milk shoot out of my nose! and i haven't drunk milk in days. hmmm ... that's not milk. eewww.

thanks for humoring me by reading this avant-garde prose.

ok, i'm so excited that i could just pee ... even though i'm coming off two days of reserve during which they worked me hard (with no lube) both days, 12 hours each day. it was rough. but alas, now i have reason to cheer:

"THE MOLE" WILL BE RESURRECTED THIS SUMMER!

if you know it, you probably loved it. if you don't, it was a game show roughly like "the amazing race" but one of the contestants was actually a mole chosen by the producers to sabotage the team's efforts to win money. they have decided to return to the original format withOUT celebrities (thankfully!), so it should be good again. like, seriously, i need to urinate. seriously. i am so happy ... like a pig in sh---eboygan.

ok, i don't want to hear a word from any of you! that includes YOU, Ruffy! (of course, i also know that you can't resist!)

Link: The top, bottom, or versatile Test written by richardmv on OkCupid, home of the The Dating Persona Test

after such a dramatic post a few days ago, i would love to lighten the mood ... although i'm still not quite sure what's happening here:

that's how i'm feeling at the moment. got a few minutes? sit down, this could take a while ...

early october: a boy emails me, after seeing my profile somewhere, saying how cute i am, how cool i seem, how similar our thoughts are ... you know, the usual b.s. we spew with each other when we're horny. he's very hot, and we do seem to have a lot in common, so i respond, not thinking much of it. this begins a serious series of emails, yahoo i.m.'s, and phone calls. we get along very well, we have similar beliefs on the world in general, and the same naughty things turn our cranks. he gets very comfortable with me, as i do with him, and he really opens up, detailing his past. believe me, it is pretty deep and sometimes traumatic. i detail quite a few things from my past too. we both feel a genuine connection, so we both feel safe discussing pretty much anything. those of you who know me know that my heart is guarded and more secure than k-fed's custody rights. it's sort of cheesy, but with him i seriously can feel the hard shell around my emotions starting to crack. even though my super-busy time of year (work wise) has just begun, i agree that i can fly to california at the end of the month to meet him for the first time. at this point, please do not turn into my mom ... i don't fly around the country to randomly meet people on a regular basis. hell, i almost never randomly meet someone just up the road here in chicago!!!

last week of october: i fly to the west coast, he picks me up at the airport, and he's just as awesome as i imagine: beautiful, friendly, funny, confident, and quite the kisser. we spent the day enjoying each other's company, shopping, eating, etc. i won't give too many details, because i don't want to type all day, AND it's none of your business, honestly. hehe. that hard shell around my heart is all but gone. i like him a lot. i can't think of anything about him that i don't like and/or see as a potential problem. i leave the next day, and we're both very unhappy that i have to go. but at least i was able to visit, and we regularly talk about how much fun we had.

november: we continue our chats and i continue to search for a time to visit him again, to no avail. again, this is my busy time of year, and i barely have time to scratch my scrotum, let alone find a day or two to fly to california! but we chat almost daily (at least five days a week), and everything is going very well, with the exception of the distance.

the past few days: monday through wednesday, i flew a trip with two california overnight stays. he was aware of this trip, so he knew that i could do dinner with him on tuesday night. monday night we chatted, and i reminded him about our dinner plans. he said he could still do it. but then he started talking about how the long distance thing was causing too many issues, and that he didn't know if he could do it. "it's tough to feel so strongly about someone, and then go home to an empty house and an empty bed," he said ... which is a very valid point. i had been reminding him for almost TWO months that the holiday season is my mega-busy time of year, and that i would be able to visit much more after new year's. he mantioned the old "maybe dating other people" thing, the "being afraid of love after being hurt so badly in the past" thing, a lot of that stuff ... and knowing him and his history, again those are valid points. yet i had told him all along that honesty was more important than anything, and he should have been telling me how he felt. blah blah blah, no matter what happens, he still wants to be friends ... blah blah blah, i said i didn't know what to think or feel or say, because i felt that the rug had just been pulled from under my feet, and that i was feeling the way i felt when my last bf dumped me very suddenly, about four years ago. so, tuesday i finish my workday (been in a foul mood all day, thanks to the previous night's chat) and we land in his city. i turn on my phone ... no message. i call and tell him that i'm here. he texts me and says that he forgot about a meeting he has that night, so he won't be able to make it. hmmm, let me check one thing in my wallet here ... looking at my license, i see that i wasn't born yesterday! i reply with a text saying simply, "well, you know my number if you want to call." with that, i go to bed, still upset and still hurting. so i fly wednesday, arrive in chicago, check phone messages ... nothing, of course. i come home and jump online to check yahoo i.m. and email ... there's one OFFline i.m. that says something like "sorry about yesterday, i didn't get done till late." so i respond with "ok, i understand," to see if he's online, and then ...
him: there you are, how are you?
me: doing ok, thanks.
him: i was mad i couldn't see you.
me: yeah, things happen.
him: you seem short.
me: yeah, i haven't had a good couple of days.

as a rule, when i'm upset with you, i basically give you a subject, verb, and the occasional adjective, and that's it. so he presses the issue, so i explain how he said his peace a few days ago, and it was hard to hear and i'm not happy with him, but it's how he feels, so i have to accept it. i can't force him to feel anything for me. he doesn't know what he wants, a serious relationship or just a friendship. the conversation was pretty deep, and i can't retype all of it here, but i told him i need something to go with ... tell me that nothing will come from what we thought we had, or tell me to give him time, or whatever. he says that i should date others if i want. well, fuck! i don't WANT to do that! so, the crunchy shell around my heart that he was chipping away? it's back, and it's thicker than ever. trust me, i hate feeling like this, but i won't be exposing much or any emotion for a very long time. but this isn't over ...

wednesday night: after our chat, i'm checking email, still stewing over my anger and my pain. i get an email from myspace saying that some bimbo wants to add me as a friend. ugh, good lord. so i click it and deny her request. but i browse a little longer, and this boy is online. i try to i.m. him on yahoo, but no response. so i browse his profile to see if he has added anything new. his status is "in a relationship" ... and one of his friends has commented him a few times, saying things that lead me to believe that they have been hanging out and might be interested in each other. so, that's where things stand. today will be one of two things: a new beginning and a new understanding, or the end of it, period. he has said all along that, if our being bf's doesn't work out, then he at least wants me as a life-long friend. that's admirable and i actually think the same way, but nobody has ever put me through so much crap and seemingly been seeing someone else. maybe i shouldn't presume. if you read some of ruff's comments to me (or anyone's, really), then you'd think that we're doing everything but building a doghouse together! i don't know if this was therapeutic or what. if you have comments, please let me hear them, even if they're not what i want to hear. apparently i spent the last two months talking to a guy who fed me what he thought i wanted to hear, and i'm over it. and i'm especially crabby, so please forgive me.

i just feel the need to type something. i don't know what. i have worked 15 of the past 17 days, and i need to just ramble for a while. oh, how about halloween? every year i'm excited as it approaches. then, around this time of october, i become frustrated because i have no idea what to do/wear. last year a buddy let me borrow his football uniform (full pads and all), and it was received very well. the groping was nice. hehe. i am considering an encore performance, but doing the same costume in gay-ville is SO gauche. and halloween in chicago is a blessing and a curse: blessing because it happens twice (parties on the weekend before the 31st, and then on the 31st), and a curse because you really should have two separate costumes. ugh, what to do, what to do.

i noticed that ruff is a big fan of "reaper" as well. it really is a good show, and the lead guy is a hottie. it's one of several shows that i gave a chance after reading all of the "fall season previews" last month. another is "big bang theory" ... that show is a hoot! finally a sitcom that actually makes me laugh, not just half-smile. "gossip girl" got pretty good reviews too, so i tried it. ugh, what an overwhelming waste of time. what is the fascination with rich bitches on tv, no matter which coast they live on? don't get me started. "aliens in america" is cute, although it hasn't exactly wowed me yet. i'll give it another couple of weeks. and if you need some reality tv in your life, "kitchen nightmares" really isn't bad at all. it typically shows a restaurant on long island that is owned by a dysfunctional new york family, and that restaurant is somehow mismanaged and ready to close. crazy gordon ramsay comes in and saves the day. yes, he's still a prick with his methods, but the draw of the show is the afore-mentioned dysfunction. and it is nice to see the restaurateur's "dream" given another chance at success.

finally, the university of tennessee beat the snot out of georgia yesterday. i, debbie downer, paula pessimist, was totally expecting a mass slaying by the dawgs, but tennessee showed up, ready to throw down, bitches! and they did!. geez, where are my pork rinds and p.b.r.?! GOOOOOOOD OLLLLLL ROCKY TOP!!! now if we can just get kirstie alley to talk the head coach into dieting, we'll be ok. this moment of straightitude brought to you by: lowe's, hooters, wal-mart .. and the letter h.

sometimes i forget how much i love david letterman ...



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZKSxHYK_wfs

anyone who knows me, knows that this is not surprising in the least:

You scored as Experimental, Experimentation is a great place to be. Open-mindedness when it comes to sexuality can open doors and allow you to discover things that you didn't think you would find engaging. Having such a curious attitude can help you learn more about your own sexual nature as well as the nature of others. </td> Experimental 89% Submission 86% Degradation 79% Bondage 75% Sadism 46% Exhibitionism and Voyeurism 46% Masochism 39% Switch 36% Vanilla Sex 32% Domination 14% Do you have an inclination for BDSM? created with QuizFarm.com

well, i caught part of the b.e.t. hip-hop ... oh, wait ... that was mtv? for real? hmmm, if you say so. so, i caught some of the *ahem* mtv music awards last night, mainly to watch britney embarrass herself. and bless her heart, mama did NOT disappoint! her "performance" was the most boring, unaffected, downright sad display that i've seen in a long time. if you didn't see it, please find it on youtube. first, it's no secret that she lip-syncs. but she made NO effort to give the illusion that she might possibly be singing. second, what was that song? just sad. third, she had zero energy, her dance skills were worse than mine, and she looked as though someone were trying to take her kids from her! [pause] what? oh yeah. well, that's what you get for being self-DISrespecting, attention-seeking, misguided white trash.

as for the show overall, why does mtv insist on ignoring those of us who don't like hip-hop and rap, and actually want to hear pop/rock, dance, and even some punk/pop? last year, hip-hop sales declined approx. 25%, more than any other genre! hello! 25%!!! and mtv's viewership has declined. i wonder why. and i'm not a huge fan of justin timberlake (he's way too cocky nowadays), but even he begged mtv to play more videos. side note: just as madonna suddenly became british, when did he become black? just thinking here.

last on my rant, am i the only american who is endlessly annoyed by "umbrella" by rihanna? the first time i heard it, i was like, "that c.d. is skipping (ella, ella, hey, hey, hey). and who is this ella chick anyway, and why do i need to be under her?" i'm becoming a crabby version of my grandmother. just play me some glen miller and put lawrence welk on the glowing picture box, and i'll be happy here with my knitting and six cats.

note to some professor guy on bill maher's show: prostate is a gland in a man's body. prostrate (with another "r") means lying flat, stretched out, with your face down. i do love bill maher, but his guests are just a hot mess sometimes.